I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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