im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
