I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
