i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
