Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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