Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
