I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
