I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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