dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
