After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
