I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize