I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
