the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
