don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
