If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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