I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
