dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
love makes seman taste better
you didnt know i had herpes?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
