i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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