I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
