At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
