this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
