I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
