Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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