the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
