I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
