you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
