i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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