i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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