yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
