Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
