FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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