My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
