I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize