At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
