Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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