Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Your penis caused this!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
