2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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