i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
