i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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