If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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