Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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