i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
