I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
