i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
