The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
