just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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