what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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