You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
