turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize