once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm too high and old for this...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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