Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
