You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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