the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
