i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i want to swaddle you in tequila
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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