Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
