That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
