I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
