Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
