Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
did i just pee glitter
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
