every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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