So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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