I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
